Atheists? Can't stand 'em!
I-wish
Funny, but I've never seen the need for an I-phone …
Sofa? So bad!
Doctor Dave
Doctor Dave had sex with one of his patients and felt guilty all day long. No matter how much he tried to forget about it, he couldn’t. The guilt and sense of betrayal was overwhelming. But every once in a while he’d hear an internal, reassuring voice that said:“Dave, don’t worry bout it. You aren’t the first doctor to have sex with his patient, and you wont be the last…and your single to…let it go!”
but invariably the other voice would bring him back to reality.
“Dave, Dave, Dave …
… You’re a veterinarian"
How many armies does it take to change a lightbulb?
Five.- The Germans to start it,
- the French to give up without really trying,
- Italians to start, get nowhere, then try again from the other side,
- the Americans to finish off the job and then claim credit for the whole thing,
- and the Swiss to sit there in the dark and pretend that nothing happened.
Oh, lawd, please dun let me miss understood
There was once a competition involving three gruelling tests. The participants had to do the following in immediate succession:1.) Drink five bottles of hard whiskey in one go
2) Enter a room where there was a starving lion and pluck out its eyes with bare hands.
3) And then screw a very horny babe to her full satisfaction.
Many people bravely tried their hand at it. Few could get beyond the first stage. And the inebriated few who managed it, got promptly eaten up by the starving lion. There was none who could read the third stage.
And then, one fine day, a nonchalant man walked into the contest. Five bottles of whiskey were nothing for him. He emptied five bottles in five gulps. Then he said, “Show me the lion!” When shown the room, he coolly walked in. There was no hint of fear on his face, but rather the cool confidence of a person who knew he could do it.
Sounds of a mammoth fight came from the room. Screams of the man and growls of the lion were intermingled. Thumps and thuds which shook the very earth ensued. All of a sudden there was a piercing, heart-rending roar from the Lion. The audience waited with bated breath, their hair stood on end. And then, as suddenly as it had begun, the titanic roar stopped. An eerie silence prevailed.
As the audience watched, with eyes popping out, the door of the room opened, and out came the man. Badly bruised, with blood streaming from his face, hands and legs, he stumbled out – victorious, nevertheless. His face had the glow of satisfaction of an emperor who had just won a battle.
And then he asked, “Where is the woman whose eyes I have to pluck out?”
Pig!!
A salesman is talking to a farmer. Suddenly, this energetic pig rushes out of the barn, squealing happily and snuggling against the farmer. The pig has a wooden leg. Curiosity finally gets to the salesman. He grins and asks: “Why does this pig have a wooden leg?”The farmer glares at the salesman and warns: “You be careful what you say about this pig. This pig is real special. Let me tell ya, about a month ago we had a fire up to the house. Wife and I were asleep. This pig right here came racing across the field, banged his snout against the window — we heard it, we were saved. That pig saved our lives!”
The salesman’s in awe. “Let me tell ya something else. Last week I was out plowing the back forty. The tractor went up an incline, overturned and pinned me to the ground. I couldn’t breathe. This pig … this pig right here dug me out, pulled me out by the collar and gave me mouth-to-mouth resuscitation! That pig saved my life.”
The salesman was thunderstruck. “Yeah, but why does he have a wooden leg?”
The farmer snorted and rolled his eyes. “Are you crazy? You get a great pig like this, you don’t wanna eat him all at once!”
Ate her, alligator?
A guy enters bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, “Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.”The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks.
Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”
On this day in previous years...
2009 UK Government plans to link criminal records to ID cards2008 NASA admits computer viruses have made it into space